The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
