do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
