I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
