a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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