the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
