Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
