My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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