I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
