guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
