sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
