Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Small penises have feelings too.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
