Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
