I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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