from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i think my mom watched the whole time
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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