im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
