in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just want to make out with him forever
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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