i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
