I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
