I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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