I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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