Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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