Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
