just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
