Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I smell stomach acid.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
