Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
operation have a gay friend backfired
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
