apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
