My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
