she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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