wanna go halves on a baby?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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