I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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