you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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