I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
