i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
