; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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