i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
