I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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