This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
