A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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