woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
