Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
