I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
