I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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