I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
