I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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