sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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