So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
