i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
