i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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