For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm at about main and main street
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
