i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
