"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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