As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
this is an emotional support booty call
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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