giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
