I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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