Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
