I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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