You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
