I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize